I haven’t wrote on this for a good two weeks now - I don’t even have a witty excuse to use - I just simply couldn’t be bothered.
But, I started this whole thing as a way to express feelings and to be able to write about whatever I want, I think I have lost that slightly in previous posts but nevermind.
I’ve been thinking about my future and about what I want to do, it’s not easy thinking about what to do for the rest of your life when you’re 18 years old! I feel as if I’ve wasted two years studying something I now don’t really think I want to do nor am I good enough. It’s like starting from scratch again, like leaving school all over again and I’ve very quickly got to decide what I want to do. It’s a nightmare! I want to do everything!! To be defined by one subject, which for some reason everyone thinks is the right thing, is the worst idea I’ve ever fucking heard of. Whenever I tell people I am studying Floristry, it’s all smiles and ‘Oh really?’ and as soon as I say ‘But I’m doing Journalism in September’ they look like I’ve just gave them the hardest math question of their lives. The usual response is ‘That’s a bit different to floristry’. Well, yes it is! That’s why I’m fucking doing it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing one thing, who the hell would? You’re all fucking fools if you want to spend the next fifty years doing the same thing, day in and day out. I want to be a florist, a writer, an actress, a traveler, a poet, a photographer, an office whiz, an explorer, a holiday rep, a charity worker, a lifeguard, a policewoman. Christ, I wanna do it all! I want to enjoy my life and make the most of myself. If I know I can achieve it, why shouldn’t I do it? People who try to discourage me from doing anything I want shouldn’t speak to me again, because I’m bored of Nuneaton, I’m bored of the people I surround myself with and I’m fucking bored of being told I should stick to Floristry.
I also want to make a new change and be someone different. I like the person I am, don’t get me wrong, and as much as I love people. I love myself more. I enjoy my own company and I refuse to fall down - I’m a sensible girl and if someone is hurting me, I’ll take notice of that. I might not do anything right away, but I’ll do something eventually. I just want to like myself more, I want to be someone who I can like and be comfortable with. I don’t want the anger or the pain and actually, to put it quite frankly, I don’t want to be involved with dickheads anymore. I’m so bored of wasting my time on people who couldn’t give a shit back! It’s silly and it’s only till you’ve been doing it for so long that you realize, what the fuck am I doing?! Have some respect woman! :D And so I shall!
